Vampires Suck (2010)

Review by Bill Brock

**Note: This was watched on Comcast streaming NOT Netflix Streaming**

I’m a masochist sometimes when it comes to entertainment.  There was a time when I watched the entire run of Unhappily Ever After promising myself that I’d stop watching when a joke on that show made me laugh.  I watched every goddamned episode.  I had to listen to Bobcat Goldtwait as the bunny.  Every “woooooo” when the not terribly attractive Nikki Cox walked into an episode.  The “yayyyy”s when Ms. Cox delivered on those terrible Al Bundy speeches from the later years of Married With Children.   Dear God, I suffered.

That same masochism has led me to watch every goddamned Friedberg/Seltzer “comedy”.

Vampires Suck is another in a long line of movie parodies that feature Seltzberg’s unique style of anti-comedy.  Not anti-comedy in the Neil Hamburger sense where the purposeful failure becomes funny after a while.  I’m talking anti-comedy that is the equivalent of Ron Silver touching his younger self and exploding.  

Seltzberg got their start on Scary Movie, a movie that concerned itself with ejaculate and parodying a movie that was already a bit of a parody of slasher movies to begin with.  Well, before that they wrote Spy Hard, one of those terrible later Leslie Nielson movies.

Vampires Suck is their take on the Twilight series, Stephanie Meyers 4 book “saga” about vampires, werewolves, and not fucking before marriage.  It’s become one of the most pointlessly beaten up things in history.   I’ve never read the books, so I really can’t comment on them one way or the other, even though roughly 50% of people on the internet feels the need to say they “suck” based on the roughly 50% who did read them and think they are “awesome”.  I have watched the first two movies and didn’t really think they were all that terrible (which is Bill-speak for, I actually liked them but don’t want to admit it).  They are no worse than the Underworld movies at any rate.  

Seltzberg’s typical parody consists of some movie that was popular with random pop culture references popping up here and there.  People get hit by things and there is usually a song and dance number set to a song that was popular around the time of filming.  V.S. doesn’t deviate from the formula that much although this may be the closest they have every come to staying on target for the entire run of the movie.

The major problem with every movie they’ve done is that they have no idea how to construct a joke.  V.S. takes scenes from the Twilight movies, films them more or less how they appear and then either add farting, something pop cultural or someone getting hit by something and seem to believe that these count as punch lines.  Case in point:  Edward “Sullen” (hahaha he’s emo so it’s funny) decides to expose the vampires at a prom.  He begins taking off his clothing (get it?  He’s exposing).  Since the vampire’s sparkle he has a disco ball over his penis (‘cause they sparkle and probably because disco is gay, just like him!!).  Ow, my sides.  Another scene has the werewolf kids running in to kill the black vampire.  They are shirtless and, wait for it, begin singing “It’s Raining Men” ‘cause they are gay!

Yeah… those are the jokes, folks.  They also mention Lady Gaga, iCarly, and a few other things that tweens might titter over because they recognize the names.  

Anyways, the movie is terrible and I recommend not watching it, unless you are either a masochist or have actually enjoyed their movies in the past.  God have mercy on your soul if you have.

Rated PG-13 because an R would prevent 99% of their target audience for seeing it in theaters.